“There will be times when you will be speaking the truth and nobody will believe you, and then, there will be times when you won’t be able to speak about it and many people would like to know about it.“
Society works like this only. People have the tendency to go against your free will. They would like you to explain yourself in front of them to do something that is your right, like they are an authority over you. You really owe explanations to a few people including your family members and closest friends for a few of your actions that may affect them directly or indirectly, but what about other friends who just observe what you do and have something to say about it always even when nothing you do concerns them? What if your neighbourers or colleagues want to know the deals going on in your life with others despite you trying to keep it private from them? AND what if you want to tell something to any of them, and none of them believes what you have to say? It certainly becomes exhausting when others think that they know your truth or THE TRUTH better than you do. You try to explain yourself over and over again, everybody turns a deaf ear to you but when you get tired of all the things you go through and turn silent, then all of a sudden the same people who disregard your truth become interested in knowing why you became so silent.
Due to this kind of communication gap and lack of understanding and timing, people go through episodes of depression as they are unable to share their problems openly to anyone at the right time bravely (fear of judgements) but when they learn to live with those problems or solve them on their own, then others want to know about them just out of curiosity. Those who really lend an ear do not do it out of curiosity but for understanding the other person but those people are rare to find. A person may shut out and shut down due to fear of being misunderstood or misjudged and it may lead to further misunderstandings with even those people and at those place where they were never meant to happen.
What to do when you have something to say and you feel like you have lost your voice as you think that nobody is going to believe you? PLEASE, SPEAK UP ! As simple as that.
I am writing this out of experience. Speak your truth whenever you feel that the opportunity is right. Do not let your anxiety stunt your mind or shun your own voice. It may lead to depression and further anxiety. Do not think that you will look or sound like a fool. Be polite first. Talk sense. Think if it’s logical and factual or not. Even if it is not, just say it. You can keep a disclaimer with whatever you express about its uncertainty as well. No need to over-think for too long that it becomes too late to talk about. Other people may take advantage of your silence and it may yield to your disadvantage in ways you cannot comprehend whilst staying silent. Talk to a trusted person first of all, then to the people who you intend to divulge your information or truth to. Be crystal clear in whatever you want to let out of your mouth. When you are completely clear about what you want to say, others can grasp it; if you keep beating around the bush, then most certainly people are not going to take it as the truth. But say it anyway. Different people have different ways, so do you but do it at the right time or you may repent later that you missed the right time and lost a lot with your silence. You have the freedom of speech, use it ! Nobody is important enough to shun you out of your truth.
The dream of a classless and stateless society and a fixed roadmap towards the fulfilment of that goal may remind one of the genius of the first Marxist Karl Marx. Surely, his interpretations of history and class struggle and social discrepancies were skewed towards economic conditions of those times but one who has studied Karl Marx in depth cannot deny that he was both a realist and a utopian idealist. A realist because he depended his theories around the industrial revolution and capitalism rising scenarios which were quite factual of his times, although he forgo a big part of human motivations like culture, communitarianism, geographical conditions and psychology and changes in those spheres with changed areas of locality or nationality, yet he was quite good at planning his theory of class struggle in the history as well as his contemporary times around two existing classes. But when he talked about and interpreted a classless and stateless society, one could easily take him as a utopian theorist because first of all, state was made for the management of the masses and if there would have been a stateless society, there would have been much despised anarchy everywhere and the discrimination that he sought to end could get elevated; secondly, the means he talked about to reach that end i.e. revolution by the proletariat against the bourgeoisie, somehow after being in power the proletariat could take the character of the bourgeoisie and would have begun to abuse that economic power in their hands, thus still the struggle would have persisted with the places exchanged between haves and have-nots where only the people would have exchanged their positions yet the characters of exploitation by haves of have-nots staying stuck that pattern only. The idea of a classless and stateless society was undoubtedly praise-worthy but in a society where the human motivation is not only determined by economic factors but also by the greed to be in power over others, it was certainly utopian because no matter how many people be egalitarian in their approach, still the forces who want to over-power others sustain in society contradictorily to the former and which can be meted out with the struggle for power since times immemorial.
Work smart, not hard.” I am sure that you have come across this saying at least once by now, or if you are following quotation pages on any kind of social media platforms, then more than once. But what does it exactly mean? Does smart work replace hard work everywhere and in every task? Can it do so? What if something needs to be done with high precision? What if even after having enough tools and sources of accomplishing a task smartly, you still cannot complete it without paying attention to every single detail and without putting all your efforts and time into it? Actually, only smart work works only in a few thing, that too, if its already done once by somebody else. You can really make and do something smartly by using the available gadgets and information for doing something but the hard work required to do that thing cannot always be replaced by smartness. For example, if you have to make an architectural design of a house, you can have access to and use all the applications on computer to make the design but won’t you have to use your mind and take your time to make an original design through to its perfection? You will have to. Let’s take another example, if you are preparing for an exam and you have access to all the information required to get good grades in that exam and you know what is more important and what is not so important keeping in mind the previous patterns of that exam but what if the old questions don’t repeat again? You will certainly get lower grade than expected. Here, if you would have studied the whole of the syllabus rather than considering only a good portion crucial for preparation, you could have gotten better grades. Let’s take one more example- suppose you are an artist and you know what you want to paint on a canvass, you have seen many tutorials on the internet about how to do it in simpler and easier manner, but still you will have to put all of your efforts to paint it according to your chosen style and desired end product and it may take you days, weeks, or even months for its completion.
What I am pressing upon here is it’s not always that you can choose smart work over hard work. One needs to coagulate smart work with hard with in order to excel in anything. Choosing smart work over hard work for everything may make your end product or outcome mediocre sometimes because it’s already tried and tested by somebody else. While choosing only hard work may be hectic and overly pressing on you, choosing only smart work may be too easy and useless; achieving excellence and getting exceptional results in anything needs both hard and smart work in consonance with each-other.
“Things would have been different if you could understand me better.” This particular sentence is what you keep on thinking about, expecting some different outcome out of an unfavourable situation in love or relationships. Actually, this is just an excuse you keep repeating in your mind. Look ! Somebody understood you and your goodness and found it convenient to carry on with their sneaky motives because you made them that comfortable in doing so. Do not give them this benefit of the doubt that they could not understand you or events properly. It seldom happens that somebody does not understand your interactions with them, unless they are feeble minded or they have not interacted with you for a long time. Even if you suppose that they could not understand you, what is the probability that they will be understanding you in the future?? It’s highly likely that you will draw yourself back into the same loop of either misunderstandings or making excuses for their behaviour. Do not think that it’s your LOVE that is making you think this way. It’s not love. You need to do some internal work of knowing your worth and feeling yourself as an important person rather than putting somebody else on a padestal every single time, so that the next time somebody thinks hundreds of times before making you feel any less than who you are. Things will not be different if you won’t choose different.
“Take it easy!”,”Chill !!” – The phrases you often listen to whenever you react to someone’s statements that can offend boundaries set by you in your relation to that person. Such a person might be a total stranger, a colleague, relative, friend or lover. What boundaries you have set in your dealings with that person are not meant to be crossed for any reason whatsoever. They might give you the random chill in your spine by intimadating you or might lead your temper to rise or may make you numb in a way that you stay stunned about what to say or how to respond to such a stimulus.
And when you react to it with anger or even affirm your boundaries again, then they try to teach you how to chill and not to take life too seriously. Sometimes, they affirm you that they have gone through great ordeals that you have no idea about and still they are capable of playing around. Actually, they are just playing around with their words or even emotions but seldom logic. Their pain does not entitle them to offend you. If their words are hurting your emotions or sentiments or feelings or you are plainly feeling misunderstood or made fun of or taken advantage of or manipulated with, it’s an offence to your person and their own pain is no excuse to inflict any pain upon you.
For a moment, you might give them another chance by giving due regard to their suffering as a benefit of doubt but that kind of behaviour might continue if not opposed or stopped at the first instance. They might play hooky under the veil of their pain or anger but it is not acceptable because you are not responsible for that pain and thus, it’s also not your duty to tolerate it for any measure.
For opposing or making it stop, you do not need to play the same. You don’t need to play mind games or get angry or play the blame game or be pitiful in any way. Be sympathetic and neutral simultaneously in whatever you say and the tone in which you say it.
For example; say
“I have no idea what you have gone through but your pain does not entitle you to offend me and I found your behaviour offensive to my boundaries”
“I would like to understand your reasons but still your this action/behaviour is unacceptable to me.”
“I did not offend you, and I would appreciate it if you reciprocate the same.”
“How would you feel if I offend your boundaries and then give excuse of my pain?” And, if he or she still does not stop or get even more offensive or aggressive or passive aggressive then be a little more strict and say “Would you understand my dignified silence or you want me to react like you have reacted?”
What you say should be clear, and should give them a message that their behaviour is unacceptable whatever might be the reason behind it. But do not trigger their emotions or do anything to hurt them as it might worsen the situation altogether. Keep calm and be firm and unprejudiced in your approach.